What follows below was originally written in a post-share, but it kept growing until I just wanted to post it here!
Habits.
Heavy things, aren't they?
Worry. Paranoia. Perfectionism. Superciliousness. Complaining. Insecurity. Selfishness. Self-image.
I would tell myself to just act natural but then I'd have to worry about it.
I think it's definitely time for a new approach. I need to shake off this old man of "act natural", "go with the flow", "see where it's going", "what does it mean". The impetuous, purposeless, passive curiosity. The desperation for newer, better, truer, more authentic, essential, the real thang. And yet implementing good habits makes new problems to watch for, like pride... it makes me fearful. Of screwing up.
I guess as we make plans, even if our hearts are still inescapably twisted while we set out to do so, and we may plan astray (after all, God is laughing), we need to understand that in being faithful and setting out to obey, if we do make honest mistakes (which we are sure to)... It's not the end of the world. Ouch. There, I said it. God forgives a broken and contrite heart, but there's extra grace fro its inevitable ignorance. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. This is because his MERCIES are not merely tantamount, they are not just an effective dose, but they are abundant: eternal. Infinite. Never-ending. He overflows for you. So stop worrying. Work, but don't worry (how often we confuse the two). Stop trying to measure up. You -- alone. Never. Will.
Ouch.
Retraining doesn't take worldly strength, strength in all the ways we are likely to picture it, or as we might imagine or fear, but rather a strength which is humility. It knows it will not be perfect but tried anyway. It has an obedient spirit, not a desperate one. As someone else posted today from Spurgeon, "Be content to be nothing, for that is what you are." Ouch. You don't have an essence somewhere out there, waiting to be collected, that fits only your individual soul that you must then seek like a starving dog. The jigsaw pieces of your heart are not scattered over the ocean to be sought.
Heavy things, aren't they?
Worry. Paranoia. Perfectionism. Superciliousness. Complaining. Insecurity. Selfishness. Self-image.
I would tell myself to just act natural but then I'd have to worry about it.
I think it's definitely time for a new approach. I need to shake off this old man of "act natural", "go with the flow", "see where it's going", "what does it mean". The impetuous, purposeless, passive curiosity. The desperation for newer, better, truer, more authentic, essential, the real thang. And yet implementing good habits makes new problems to watch for, like pride... it makes me fearful. Of screwing up.
I guess as we make plans, even if our hearts are still inescapably twisted while we set out to do so, and we may plan astray (after all, God is laughing), we need to understand that in being faithful and setting out to obey, if we do make honest mistakes (which we are sure to)... It's not the end of the world. Ouch. There, I said it. God forgives a broken and contrite heart, but there's extra grace fro its inevitable ignorance. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. This is because his MERCIES are not merely tantamount, they are not just an effective dose, but they are abundant: eternal. Infinite. Never-ending. He overflows for you. So stop worrying. Work, but don't worry (how often we confuse the two). Stop trying to measure up. You -- alone. Never. Will.
Ouch.
Retraining doesn't take worldly strength, strength in all the ways we are likely to picture it, or as we might imagine or fear, but rather a strength which is humility. It knows it will not be perfect but tried anyway. It has an obedient spirit, not a desperate one. As someone else posted today from Spurgeon, "Be content to be nothing, for that is what you are." Ouch. You don't have an essence somewhere out there, waiting to be collected, that fits only your individual soul that you must then seek like a starving dog. The jigsaw pieces of your heart are not scattered over the ocean to be sought.
Habits.
Heavy things, aren't they?
Worry. Paranoia. Perfectionism. Superciliousness. Complaining. Insecurity. Selfishness. Self-image.
I would tell myself to just act natural but then I'd have to worry about it.
I think it's definitely time for a new approach. I need to shake off this old man of "act natural", "go with the flow", "see where it's going", "what does it mean". The impetuous, passive curiosity. The desperation for newer, better, truer, more authentic, essential, the real thang. And yet implementing good habits makes new problems to watch for, like pride... it makes me fearful. Of screwing up.
I guess as we make plans, even if our hearts are still inescapably twisted while we set out to do so, and we may plan astray (after all, God is laughing), we need to understand that, in being faithful and setting out to obey, if we do make honest mistakes (which we are sure to)... It's not the end of the world. Ouch. There, I said it. God forgives a broken and contrite heart, but there's extra grace for its inevitable ignorance. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. This is because his MERCIES are not merely tantamount, they are not just an effective dose, but they are abundant: eternal. Infinite. Never-ending. He overflows for you. So stop worrying. Work, but don't worry (how often we confuse the two). Stop trying to measure up. You -- alone. Never. Will.
Ouch.
Retraining doesn't take worldly strength, strength in all the ways we are likely to picture it, or as we might imagine or fear, but rather a strength which is humility. It knows it will not be perfect but tries anyway. It has an obedient spirit, not a desperate one. As someone else posted today from Spurgeon "Be content to be nothing, for that is what you are." Ouch. You don't have an essence somewhere out there, waiting to be collected, that fits only your individual soul that you must then seek like a starving dog. The jigsaw pieces of your heart are not scattered over the ocean to be sought. He has made and is making your heart whole. I was reading in Colossians 2, about "the elemental spiritual forces of this world". I don't know if it's the artistic temperament in me, but I tend to always be seeking the authentic, the pure, the essence, the forms... The element of the spirit. It drives me nuts. And it makes me careless, and therefore actually losing the very thing my empty soul seeks to gain. Is it because it is an essence apart from the living God that I seek? Why yes it is. I said it above. I am looking for an essence to fill "my individual soul." Myself. My flesh. My sin nature. And that's the problem right there.
So in seeking this ideal, this perfection, this art, this pretty picture, we can't trust our actual actions and our knowledge, but rather that God has us in a place where we are making actions at all, that we are alive, and receiving His common grace at the least, which is not common at all but wonderful, and that He has entrusted His actual actions and His substance knowledge unto us, in the appropriate amount according to His wisdom for the passage of each of our lives. Therefore there must be a reason. For everything. You did, at most, your best that you were honestly aware of and that's what God requires. Yes there are should-haves and wish-I'd-have-knowns and how-couldn't-I-have-realized. But the truth is, you didn't. You didn't know: you didn't know because you aren't all-knowing: you may have known once and even forgotten, mentally or spiritually or emotionally whatever it was, and feel even worse for that: having it taken away so... Quietly. But to angrily say, "I should have had this knowledge" "how could I have been so blind" -- these are deeply prideful statements (not to mention despairing and holding onto guilt that has been paid). And pride is uncontented and untrusting, deeply rooted in self and an exploration to fulfill self. Fulfill self in looking for images all around us in all we do or say or think or are... That look like ourself. Little idols of ourself. But rather than these self-destructive reactions, and these desperate searches, know that God provided you with what He is using to accomplish HIS will, HIS essence. HE will make HIMSELF known. So, yes we ARE broken and incomplete from day to day, especially in hindsight: we lack this essence we imagine, crave and picture, our inflated image of ourself. Yes, we do everything all wrong and screw up constantly, even when we think we finally understood and we're going to... Accomplish!!! We wanted to be accomplished. We wanted to be the essence. Our own essence. We wanted to be perfect. We wanted it to be all in ourself. We wanted to be complete. We wanted working parts. We wanted to have it all. We wanted control. We wanted to be... God.
But you know, what's there? That pathetic mistake-making fool who is -- more frequently than you like to accept -- yourself? That's enough.
We don't make ourselves gods.
Can we do better if we try? Certainly, if we are asking God's help to guide our fumbling heads. Do we see improvements in all manner of things, despite ourselves and our actions, every day and every hour? Yes. Did the plan for the Lord's whole kingdom fail because you were wrong? No.
No. That's right. We don't get to make ourselves gods. As Jesus said, God makes us gods. ("I said, "You are 'gods'." John 10:34, Psalm 82:6) After HIS image. To follow in HIS footsteps. In HIS essence. "Heat was in the very sod, which the saint had printed" to borrow an illustrious illustration from the song "Good King Wenceslas."
You are not the balancing center of the universe, but a subject of the One who is.
Yes. Wow.
With that, I have peace. God is enough. If I crave an essence? A spirit? A true _____? That intangible but real sense of beauty? The "je ne sais quoi", if you will? He is the best there is. I am content. I have to be. Not because I have found the limit but because I have found the limitless. A form, an essence, my brain cannot comprehend. A holy mystery. I absolutely have to be content. There is no other happy alternative.
Are you treading water, struggling, gasping for air, roping the sails, seeing the waves? Yes. We sure do. But are you drowning? Are you dead? No. You're not. You are alive in Christ, and any dying you do today is the part that is already death to you itself. The very essence of death, the thing you craved for so much. Evil. All that you are ultimately seeking if you are seeking apart from God.
Death is swallowed up in death. Where now, death, is thy sting? Dear twisting thorn, you can bring me only joy since I know you are a gift from my Father.
"... the author and finisher of our faith... who for the joy set before him, endured the pain of the cross... scorning its shame... and sat down at the right hand (most important place!) of the throne of God"
The struggle is part of the story.
If you crave majesty, just look at His. It is enough. "The right hand of the throne of God."
So, no longer do we cry sadly, mournfully, pridefully, helplessly, despairingly, "How can I have been so blind?!?!"
Rather, we look at the Lord's grace calmly and peacefully, saying, "I was blind... but now I see. Thank you God. Thank you for showing me; I pray you will show me even more, as I am still in the storm, though you are with me. Help me to obey better next time: or, right now! Your will be done. How high are your ways above our ways."
(Ouch!)
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